learning to love the questions, as well as who I am (part 2)

I don’t think there’s one clear diagnosis for my recent struggles: depression, overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety, dwelling on things, perfectionism, discontent, motherhood, low self-worth. Call it what you’d like, sometimes the diagnosis sounds too severe, while at other times it doesn’t seem strong enough. However, it does seem the root all of these struggles are negative thoughts flitting around my brain, thoughts that have been there a long time unrecognized. So, as much as I’d like to have a much more straightforward step by step system to get rid of these negative thoughts, I’m starting to accept that my brain is going to need a lot of convincing to let go of some of them, which probably means a lot of work and a lot of time. So, that’s that. And because of the paralyzing overwhelm I’ve mentioned, I think it might be a good idea to give myself permission to just acknowledge these thoughts for now, not trying to dissect and understand each one. And, while acknowledging these thoughts, most of which could be lies, I’d like to focus on three truths:

God created me, me. Beautifully different and unique, with distinct gifts and insight. And I mean so different from most women/ mamas in this southern culture, which should translate into so unique and beautiful, but it’s pretty easy for me to get lost in the comparisons.

God created me to be a mama; to be present in this tiring stage of motherhood, filled with joys and struggles, as we greatly anticipate the birth of our third baby along with our almost four and five year old boys.

God created me to create; to express myself though artistic creativity, somehow in this busy and tiring stage of life. The how is one of the questions I wish I had a clearer answer to- should this be though my peppered paper collage work, should I pursue illustration, loser expressive painting, writing? I’m just not sure right now, but I am sure this creative expression is a big part of who I am.

So, there we have it. As I said in part 1 of this post, I don’t believe the creator of the universe made a mistake when he created me, me. He gave me gifts and passion and a drive to create artistically. He also gave me the gifts of two little boys and a third baby on the way. I often refer to them as rascals, on rare occasions tyrants, but when I try to express the incredible gifts they actually are words are not sufficient, and tears are inevitable. Did I mention I’m pregnant, and tired… but really, you know what I mean if you’ve experience this gift in one form or another. So, I must continue to convince myself of what I really do believe and who I am created to be. I must continue to try to reconcile these callings and claim the titles of both artist and mama, focusing on the big truths in light of all the little lies I’m fighting daily.

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